We’ve been burgled!!!!!!!!
Well it had to happen sooner or later right?
We’re in South America after all
for Santa Maria’s sake.
But the burglar was very very good and proffessional ,
I must say,
which is something you certainly do not expect in S.America.
They don’t like to be caught working too hard at anything here.
They think ’Manual Labour’
is the name of some fancy Spanish tourist!
even though there were three little hairy people
at home the whole time.
I have a hunch
that someone knows something
and I’ve just gotta get them to sing.
Things could get ugly.
The crime was perpetrated
on an ordinary Saturday morning
much as any other.
The usual routine
Seven o’clock alarm
make a cup of tea,
read the days text,
read a chapter de Los Hechos
and park last nights dinner in the cazi.
Then it’s, forget to wash
forget to shave,
and sleep walk out of the door .
The same old same old
And another beautiful day in the Ecuadorian countryside beckons.
However, just for once
I did something very strange before I left the house.
I mean totally out of the ordinary for me,
I , actually remembered, to do something
off of my own back
without the wife there to hassle me
(she’d deserted me and gone to Manta
to visit some of her fellow yellows).
I remembered to take some chicken
out of the freezer
so that I could cook it for dinner
later that night.
So I puts it out on the counter to defrost
like you do
and I’m feeling rather chuffed with myself
and with the prospect
of not having to share
the cats food
-again- for another night.
Don’t get me wrong
It’s not so much that one minds the food
Or even that one isn’t entirely impressed with the etiquette
Of one’s fellow feline diners.
It’s just that it reminds me too much of dinning in Japan!
You know the drill
Eating on the floor
Getting stiff legs
And the cats all insist on using flipping chop sticks!
What’s going on man?!!
They’re all acting like they’re cultured for goodness sake
And like they don’t clean each other’s bits and bobs, -if you get my drift-
at the first sign of an unalert sibling.(Please see “Cool for cats?”)
“Get over it guys! You’ll never get the hang of those suckers
So apart from not having opposable digits
-on the hands that you do not possess
of course- you just don’t got the smarts either.”
I don’t know why I bother to be honest.
They always act like they can’t understand
a word of English anyway.
So anyways, there’s me chicken
sitting on the counter
sitting there waiting for daddy’s return
and I leaves with a big smile
and a sayonara to the Pearl harbour brigade
who are bored with the chop sticks now
and have returned to
Busily licking each other again.
A great morning on the min
Tottenham won at mid day
-we’re skating our way up the table now
And daddy’s back on his red racer
and making his way home to fillet of chicken
and a nice cold cerveza.
That’s what I thought!
A ripped freezer bag of chicken
looks like it’s been attacked in a frenzy
by some wild beast !!
The chickens gone for a Burton
And daddy grabs a kitchen knife
just in case this crazed chicken thieving freak
might actually still be on the premises.
We split up
Daddy goes arriba
and the Jackie Chan fan club
scouts around down below at the scene of the crime
The crime scene
It seems that the thieving fiend
Made the most squeaky clean of escapes.
But ay caramba!!
Someone in a moment of madness must have called the Fuzz.
I’ve absolutely no idea why
They couldn’t find a catholic in the Vatican!
And so anyway, La Polizia, who arrived- “manana”- of course,
started sniffing around
like they knew what they are doing
and weren’t actually just waiting around
hoping for the culprit to fall out of the sky
and into their worthless collective lap.
Then they informed me that;
1) they believe the villain to have been accompanied by at least two accomplices..(.....hmm)
2) that there were absolutely NO signs of a break-in
In fact this case showed all the signs that
“dis cooda beeeen a inner-cider-joba” (actually that sounds more Italian does it not?)
(...even bigger hmmmmmmmmmm)
But most alarmingly that
3) after much questioning with the lick-a-lot gang,
Ecuador’s finest maintain that my cats
don’t even speak Spanish (....WWWWWWwhat?!!)
let alone English!!!!!!!(or Jap for that matter)
Bunch of crafty little tinkers!
The Lick-a lot-crew
Well that’s okay
‘cos I’m not talking to them at the moment anyway.
I can’t forgive them
for the fact that they were all too busy
doing their usual variations of nothing
to spot a burglar in the family nest.
The Polizia aren’t too impressed with them either
and insist that no one is above suspicion
especially in a case such as this.
So we’ve all been taken down town
to the station
which I’m sure doubles as a dodgy bar
and a cock fighting arena.
We’ve all been roughed up a bit
by an officer who I wasn’t sure
whether to address as “Senor” or “Senora”
and of course we have all
had our finger prints
and mug shots taken
Someone is gonna pay for all of this.
Oh yes, and pay dearly they will…………….(to b continued)
the guys will play.
Don't worry there is nothing dodgey in this blog.
However, that is not due, mighｔ I add,
to any lack of effort
on the part of most of the caracters
in todays little story.
the wife and I,
to visit some friends on the coast.
(Be a darling and click these adds
would you love.
Daddy needs the money
..sob sob sniff..sniff...Muchas gracias x)
Our friends are from Japan
and are involved
with the same voluntary work as we are
Ｔhey are living in Manta
which is a city situated on the Picific coast of Ecuador.
However, quite recently I fell off of my motor bike
and managed to twist my ankle.
So I've been doing little else
than sitting around all day
with my swollen ankle raised up on a pillow
Ｓｗｅｅｔ little angle that the mrs. is
she just could not bear
to see daddy in so much pain
or more accurately
she couldn't bear to see me
in so much sloath, as she sees it.
What you gonna do huh?
You can't live with 'em
-you can't kill em.
"Damned if you do
damned if you don't Otozo my old son"
says my old sergeant H.
Yeah, there's no peace for the incurably handsome
On and on and on she goes
until daddy's had just about enough
so that he's trying to eat his own ears off
and he signs off AWOL for the whole Manta expedition.
This raised the volume if anything
but then after she put down
her favorite megafone(the pink one
with police lights, barbed wire round the rim
& optional tear gas add on's)
she left in a flurry
awe inspiringly reminicent of Katrina,
the hurricane that is,
and then daddy felt an odd sensation
that he'd thought he'd forgotten-
Lyla Skyla stays in protest
loyally sitting, all over daddy.
Bless her little extra clean bottom x
-see "Cool for cats?"
(end scene 1)
and she's just the type
of straight talking person that I really dig!
She's white, wide, and full of never you mind honey.
And she talks with the delicate whisper
of a welcome summers night breeze
down in old, New Orleans.
DOES SHE HECK!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not saying she's loud
but if you got yourself a fog horn!
and put a wig and some lipstick on it
her own children would testify
on the bible that this was indeed
their own birth mother!
This cheeky yankee wotsit
keeps complaining and telling me
to start talking english!!
Who do these colonial rebel upstarts
think that they are?
" One speaks perfect engish, I thank you.
One speaks just the way that one aught."
"I can't understand a word you're saying!" she says
Good grief, i can't speak spanish and according to her
i can't speak english either.
Make a lot of people happy i reckon,
if I did become mute.
She says she can't understand why
I wear thongs on my motor bike.
"Beats me" I said,
"We call them Y-fronts back in good old blighty.
Wait can you see them?"
"Sure" was the reply like a storm.
"they're on your feet."
Pooh! Have I mixed up my pants
with my socks again?
Thought i'd grown out of that.
False alarm, she's talking yankee again.
I take it that one is refering to ones flip flops?
She's moving into our apartment from May,
and we're gonna move upstairs.
(Panic not all potential visitors,
we intend to fully sound proof
the entire 1st floor)
And so she's started moving her bits and bobs
into the spare bedroom.
She's serving here,
invloved in the same voluntary work as us
but she has to return home
to the States for a while
probably until October.
Called me up yesterday
with a little concern on her mind.
"See i'm a little concerned
about people using my blow up mattress
while i'm not here.
Cos you see those babies only have
a certain life span you know"
" Hey no problem." i says
"But did you know
that there's a really easy way
to double the life span of those things?"
"No i didn't. Really?"
"Sure. Lose some weight sweety"
She's great fun and she had a good old laugh about that. x
Yeah, apparently her kids have been telling her
that perhaps she should think about
trying to lose a little bit of weight.
She just says "Honey, when you're old, AND you're ugly,
what does it matter if you're fat too??!!"
Can't fault the logic
but that's not gonna help
her poor old bed much now is it.
(We love you gorgeous. Hurry and get back REAL soon.
Wanted the same style as the blonde bird
out of girls aloud.
Went to an ecuadorian hair dressing chain
nice part of town
the place even looked reputable.
We should have gone to the butchers!
My girl finds a picture of the style she wants
and using her broken spanish
and a lot of gestures
asks the senora if she can do this style.
"Claro no problema amiga."
And so i slink off to the shops
.........and the butchery begins!
Out come the paper scissors, thank you very much
and she's chopping away
with regular breaks to consult the photo
that the mrs. has shown her.
Twenty minutes later and I'm back.
Now I'm not claiming that I've got the best memory in the world
but I'm quietly confident
that I'll still recognize my own wife
after less than half an hour,
hair cut or not.
Well I don't know what picture the mrs showed her
but if i had to guess
i'd of said Russell Brand.
I said to her
"what cut did you ask this butcher for babe,
the ox tail?"
Poor girls looking at me with those
"I feel dirty" eyes.
"That's enough of that malarky"I says
"que?" says senora manuel, salavating
"That's enough Sweeny darling!"
Well she's not having it
she's got the blood lust in her eyes now
and now I'm worried that I'm gonna be carrying the mrs out on a stretcher
or at the very least with a G.I. Jane trim.
Had to physically insist that the mrs. get up and follow me out of the door.
My Sweety's not so stunned that she can't notice
that senora sweeny wants her money though.
"wants her money??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!
after this little episode she'll be lucky if I don't come back and do her windows
-and i don't mean clean them!!"
Heavens bells, I'm just glad that the mrs hair still grows back.
Ok so she looks like a skinny Elvis at the mo
but the five year plan is underway
to have her looking like a female again
and less like the bender from Soft Cell!
my cats today.
Of course I love them dearly
as does any father his hairy children
four legged or otherwise
However I am not blind
to the faults of my children
They do seem to have some issues,
if one is honest,
and I'm not intirely convinced
that their morals are altogther christian either.
In fact, I suspect
that they've overstepped into
the territory of loose conduct to be quite frank.
(don't forget to click the adverts
daddy needs the dinero
for Lylas bullet proof
chastity belt. ta x)
There's an awfull lot
of licking going on you see
and it's not restricted
to ones own bottom either
as of course good manners would dictate.
THE LURE OF TEMPTATION
Lylas bottom seems to be the favorite at the moment
for reasons that, one would assume,
only cats should know .
Her-in-doors assures me that
we're not feeding her anything different
she's been sitting in something different.
The mrs. suggests putting underwear on her.
Lyla says that she's ok with the thong
but that the sports bra hurts her la la's.
Who knows the mysteries of cats huh!
All I know is that Lylas bottom
seems to be like the queue
for school dinners at the moment
and lyla's at the end of the queue
She hardly gets time
to sit down
or go to the loo these days.
Poor little moo. x